Schneppy's List

I found this thing a few days ago. I made it while I was in Iraq.

This is a compilation of the standing orders I've been given during my deployment with C-Btry 2-8 FA. They're all things I've done, things I've plotted to do (but was forbidden from doing before I could carry it out), and things I've seen other people do (but they forbade me from doing it anyhow!).

1. Not allowed to play mind-games with the LT.

2. Not even for science.

3. Not allowed to drive an armored vehicle halfway across Iraq without a driver's license, civilian or otherwise.

4. The squirrel does not go to guard mount.

5. It does not "Help to give the voices a face."

6. The squirrel does not countermand any orders from the Sergeant of the Guard.

7. When the SoG calls for the hourly radio check, the proper response is "Tower Two, lima charlie," not "Tower Two, just as loud and clear as it was twenty minutes ago." Even if the last one was only twenty minutes ago.

8. I shouldn't complain about that pesky SoG keeping me awake all the time.

9. That goes double if the First Sergeant is within earshot.

10. If I find a camel spider in my tower, I should kill it dead.

11. I shouldn't call my battle buddy over to rescue me from the Spanglish-spouting drunken camel spider that has me trapped by hanging out near the ladder.

12. If a buddy does the above to me, I'm not supposed to sit there and laugh before telling the arachnid where the buddy's bunk is.

13. Using my weapon to kill a camel spider is not a good idea. It'll probably die, but the chain of command gets cranky.

14. Using my weapon and not killing the camel spider is a worse idea. Now I have both the chain of command and a camel spider cranky at me.

15. If at any time I show up for mission with tinfoil in my ACH, I stay home today.

16. When the Brigade psychiatrist stops by, I'm to give Chief all my tinfoil.

17. Not allowed to lie to the Brigade psychiatrist to pretend to be 'five different flavors of crazy'.

18. Not allowed to lie to the Brigade psychiatrist to pretend to be sane. Even Automatic Six knows I'm not.

19. Each of my personalities does not get an interview with the Brigade psychiatrist. We have to share the one I get.

20. Even if she's the only female I've seen in two months.

21. Getting "Steel on Steel" with the RQ-11B Raven on the instructor's vehicle is a bad thing. That means I should stop bragging about it.

22. Even if it was my first time flying that $40,000 lawn dart and the look on his face was really funny.

23. Don't refer to the row of parked personal vehicles as a "Landing strip."

24. I'm to hand the controls over to my Mission Operator when it comes landing time. It's just better that way.

25. I need to eventually run out of new and interesting mistakes to make. The creativity and energy I put into them has much more constructive outlets that I should look into.

26. When anyone above the rank of O-7 visits the COP, I'm to go out by Tower Four and do my ninja impression until he leaves.

27. During an air-assault mission, not allowed to threaten to "Spew my guts all over this bird and everyone in it - even the pilot!" when the ride gets a little choppy.

28. Don't carry out the above threat again.

29. Think about it for thirty seconds, then say it.

30. "Thingie" is not a technical term.

31. Don't paint sillhouettes of animals I've run over on the door of my truck (Simpson, not me - they don't let me drive).

32. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 10 seconds, I am to assume that I'm not allowed to do it. (Apparently, the LT's read Skippy's List).

33. During a room inspection, I really shouldn't have porn playing on my computer with the sound turned up.

34. My collection of miniatures does not need to be on display for a room inspection.

35. Especially not in formations.

36. I am the "Designated Alibi." That means I should stay out of trouble at least more often than the other savages.

37. Sunlight does not burn my skin like acid.

38. I shouldn't write "All work and no play make Schnepp a dull boy" all over my walls again just because it's the fourth month of night and I'm starting to get cabin fever.

39. When they put out the call for a new name for C-Battery, don't volunteer things like "Cannibals," "Criminals," "Cavemen," or "Convicts" no matter how accurate a descriptor it is.

40. Don't ask about that "Cannibals" thing. What happens in the field, stays in the field.

41. I shouldn't threaten people with "You're on the List now".

42. By now, they're all on it at least twice.

43. Circled and underlined for McWilliams.

44. When another soldier asks if he's on the List, I shouldn't reply with, "Are you in the phone book?"

45. Not supposed to announce who's made the "Top Five" on the List. That's the kind of thing people are happier not knowing.

46. I shouldn't complain about having never been "killed" during wargames.

47. When someone says that C-Btry's the best, not supposed to laugh out loud. It's actually true. *Sighs*

48. Think about it for a minute, then say it.

49. When I capture a radio off of OPFOR, don't call up "I'm in ur base, killin ur manz!" over it. That's just in bad taste.

50. Don't yell "Blood for the Blood God!" during a firefight.

51. Don't get kicked off the range and subsequently banned from coming near the Signal Company just because "The bullet missed, so I sent a few of his buddies to investigate."

52. Don't call them pansies just because they get scared of someone shooting an M16A2 at its cyclic rate of fire at a target at point-blank range.

53. Not allowed to make the new privates sleep outside, just because "I don't like that little shit." It's freezing cold and he's soft and weak.

54. The fact that I can sleep out there with no trouble at all has nothing to do with this. They're soft and weak, remember?

55. I shouldn't refer to Basic Training as Daycare. I'm New Army, it's kinda like making fun of myself.

56. When Alaska Governor and then-Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin says "Hooyah!" (as opposed to "HUA") during our deployment ceremony, do a better job of stifling the giggles.

57. During our mandatory Suicide Prevention classes, I'm not allowed to utter the words "Natural Selection."

58. During our mandatory Equal Opportunity classes, we really shouldn't spend a half-hour swapping politically incorrect jokes.

59. I am not allowed to sing "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" to completion over the radio during a 36-hour overwatch.
Again.

60. Talking priveledges are revoked.

61. When the LT asks follow-up questions to the briefing to make sure we know what we're doing, respond with anything other than "I don't know."

62. When we train with paintball rounds, don't aim for the head.

63. I *know* it doesn't have as much body armor, that's why I'm not allowed to aim for it.

64. When we train with paintball rounds, don't aim for the cojones, either.

65. When we train with paintball rounds and find out that FDC's guys playing OPFOR aren't going down until they run out of ammo, aim for the cojones.

66. Don't "Put two in a dead guy, just to make sure" when it's paintballs. At point-blank, those things really hurt... the cojones.

67. Try not to antagonize FDC anymore. They have a purpose in life other than "Cheap slave labor," and a bruised testicle really isn't all that funny.

68. Take less than four hours to zero my weapon. If I can hit a running target in the nuts from across the room, I can hit a stationary sillhouette 300 meters away with at least five out of thirty shots.

69. Being the best with a bayonet doesn't make up for being the second-worst shot in the battery.

70. When everyone else has daggers and hatchets as their backup melee weapon, I shouldn't take a hammer just because "I can tenderize them more" with it.

71. Don't use the hammer on OPFOR.

72. When we're playing OPFOR, don't capture any of the following and turn them on the other battery: A gun truck, their FDC, the chow hall, a platoon sergeant, a crew-served weapon, or a howitzer.
Again.

73. We don't take prisoners, so don't shoot them in a less-than-lethal area and then beat them with the hammer.

74. If we do, it's not for tonight's chow (see #40), even if they are really tender and juicy now.

75. Don't speculate about how he'd taste roasted over a heating stove in front of the captured OPFOR. I have a reputation, he'll believe it. This is somehow a bad thing.

76. Hazing is illegal in today's Army. That means we should at least wait for the new guys to screw up before giving them "blanket parties."

77. Don't force my superiors to check the limits of their sanity more than once a week.

78. It is not the "Moustache of Power."

79. When I figure out that the Iraqi Army guys who operate in our AO know about it, it is not the "Internationally-Renowned Moustache of Power."

80. The Moustache is not the source of my Samson-like strength.

81. When reporting, it's "Specialist Schnepp, reporting as ordered," not "Schnepp and the 'Stache, reporting as ordered!"

82. When I say something rude, insubordinate, or inappropriate, not allowed to blame it on the Moustache.

83. There are limits to the amount of bloodlust I'm allowed to show.

84. My mix of naivete, rage, and bloodlust is not endearing. It's frightening to the other soldiers. This means I shouldn't ask "Can I shoot it?" so much.

85. If a SERE graduate won't eat it, that's a sign I probably shouldn't.

86. The mess tent is not the "Tomb of Horrors." Don't volunteer a battle-buddy to take point when going into it.
We'll all die anyways.

87. My alter ego is not masked superhero "Moustache Man." I do not have theme music. Take that cape off.

88. Don't ask the Captain if he's gotten into Smoke's 'stash'. That's just a good mood. They happen in sane people every once in a while.

89. Never tell an IA "Mako coswa." He speaks Arabc, he knows what it means.

90. Try not to start, join, or finish a firefight with allied ISF. LT doesn't like paperwork.

91. The 10-second rule of food doesn't apply in Iraq.

92. When taking a psych-eval, don't say "It's not like I can get any crazier since getting to Iraq." Again, paperwork.

93. Never tell my NCO that "Fiki-fiki?" means "How are you?" He's dumb enough to say it to ISF, they speak Arabic, they know what it really means. This gets awkward fast.

94. Don't replace my nametape with "US Terp" just to mess with the new soldiers.

95. The fat kid who paints his toenails doesn't need a sports bra. He's inactive enough that a regular one will do just fine.

96. Accusing fellow soldiers of witchcraft stops being funny about the time I start seriously talking about "Cleansing with fire."

97. When asked to demonstrate "Escalation of Force Procedure" to the new guys, don't just raise my rifle and set it to burst. There are steps to be taken before that; take them. "Escalation of Force" is not "Raise my rifle to give that guy his Darwin Award."

98. "Rules of Engagement" for C-Btry is not "Whatever we can get away with."

99. Detainees are not "Ablative Meat-Shields," nor are they "Polish Mine Detectors." We have to pretend to follow the Geneva Conventions around here.

100. Don't get air with the 5-ton truck. Don't yell "YEE-HAW!" Don't pause in mid-jump to do a commentary on the situation.

101. Must file all requests to communicate with voices outside my head in paperwork to my first-line supervisor twenty-four hours in advance.